were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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