the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
