take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.