The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings