Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
