I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
