Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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