Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
