I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Houston, we have a blender
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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