I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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