I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
