Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
