I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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