shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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