the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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