Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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