New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
