put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
