She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
