Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
jump out the window naked night went bad
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
