what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
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We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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