I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
