if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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