I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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