I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
