I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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