when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
