woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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