I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
