i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
