you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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