I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
