just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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