She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
