Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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