doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
