my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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