mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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