Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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