that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
