Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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