if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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