I want to stick my p in your. b.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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