splinters make it hard to masturbate
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
