I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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