1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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