Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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