Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
