like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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