Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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