btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
