Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
