Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
