$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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