The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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