True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
