Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
