I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
